While I have had a lot of successes that I can recognize this year, I have also felt a lot of mental and emotional turmoil, avoidance, disgust, and difficulty with myself.
A lot of the ways I'd learned to take care of myself have taken a beating during the last 2 years.
I started a pregnancy/miscarriage/pregnancy/birth/baby cycle in January of 2014. Many hormones swirled, many chemical and emotional reactions ensued.
Among the many changes I've seen in myself over this time is a distinct lowering of confidence in myself.
When I read that from others, in reference to motherhood, I usually read it as a lack of confidence in the acts of mothering/parenting - the choices you're making, the acts you're performing.
That's not how it feels to me.
I feel rather confident in my parenting choices. And the uncertainties I encounter therein don't feel hopeless, or inspire deep guilt, or cause me to question my value and self-worth.
The confidence misfires I have felt in the last two years feel most like adolescence. PUBERTY.
Social settings like this used to feel easy.
What do I even say to other people?
Why are we even talking to each other?
>>IN<< <<OUT>> >>IN<< >>OUT>>
Deep breaths are such a good tool. (Especially when you feel like a tool.)
I feel as though I'm re-learning/re-discovering/re-valuing how to take care of myself, and how that leads to self respect, which leads to confidence.
This is a constant project.
I've been engaged in the cycle of >summer-working > winter-reflecting> for 10 years now, yet it surprise me each time.
I remember that something about farming that helped me feel confident in my early career choice was the knowledge that there would always be more to learn in my farming practice, and that would help it to never become boring.
I didn't know then that it would be the bigger picture of life, also, not just the farming, that would remain in a constant unfolding cycle of lessons and adjustments.
When I give myself the time and space to do so, I am grateful to my place in our interconnected system. I am grateful for those nodes of connection and light that help us find our way back to it when we float away for a time.
I am grateful to the power of simple lists of loving tasks to tether me to our shared web.